How To Be A Positive Parent Without Toxic Positivity

I've been thinking about you and I, and how being a positive person is something we continuously strive for. It feels good to be friends with positive people and it’s easy for people to gravitate to us because we set such positive examples. I’ve met many of you, and it’s clear you embody positivity by being you!

Yet, there is a big difference between being positive in a way that supports our family, and being positive in a toxic way. Do you know what I mean?

We can intentionally frame our words in a positive way which is like a muscle we continue to build. This can help us to set limits effectively. We can also view our children in a positive light, as people who are innately good.

This can all allow us to meaningfully build positive relationships with our children. It can also help our children feel seen and accepted for who they are, both emotionally and physically.

On Using Positive Language

Positive language means appreciating what our children can do right now in the present moment, rather than always teaching them to do more. It’s also seeing our children as innately good, and focusing our language on the behavior to strive for.

Examples of positive language:

“Please walk!” or “Watch your step,” instead of, “Don’t run!” or “Be careful!”

“You reached for the ball and it rolled away,” rather than, “I’ll teach you how to play with the ball”

“Let’s use a quiet voice in the library” instead of, “Stop yelling!”

“You can crawl so quickly!” and not, “you’re ready to learn how to walk now!”

“You can have a cookie after lunch. It’s hard to wait!” Instead of, “Stop asking for cookies at breakfast time!” (PS - I’ve said both) ;)

What do these re-framings bring up for you? Which version did you hear growing up? If it wasn’t positive, it can take some practice for this to be feel natural. The journey can be challenging at first, and it gets easier as we work at it. Luckily we get plenty of chances to try again!

On Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity can be harmful to our relationship with our children, not to mention our friends and family. I’m working on being positive in healthy ways, and I’m not perfect at it. I mess up and have regrets. You and I, we just do our best. That’s all that matters. Truly!

Toxic positivity means we (unintentionally) ignore another person’s experience or feelings, all for the sake of being positive. Or we jump to fixing the problem. Or perhaps we talk them out of their feelings about what happened, and remind them how lucky they are.

It’s done with the best of intentions. Yet if we are toxically positive time and time again, there’s a good chance these people in our lives will feel they can’t lean on us for support. They’ll look for other ways to cope.

Our inner being doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or endlessly instructed. It simply wants to be witnessed - to be seen, heard, and accepted exactly as we are.

Examples of toxic positivity and what we can say instead:

“It’s okay, don’t cry, shake it off.” Instead we can empathize: “I saw you fall down! You look upset! I’m here.”

“She’s a good friend to you, you can’t be that angry at her.” Instead we can validate: “You sound angry at her. What you’re saying makes sense to me.”

“You are lucky that nothing worse happened.” or “Look on the bright side the sun is shining!” or “Don’t worry, just trust in God.” Instead we can mirror back what our child, friend, or partner is actually saying to us. We can deeply listen and perhaps leave it quiet for more sharing. Maybe we decide our positive spin can be said after some time has passed, and we’ve ensured our family member or friend feels seen and heard.

A short video for you

Below is a video where I share about this topic, plus my own experiences as well. I’d love to hear from you too! When have you felt deeply understood by a positive person in your life? Have there been times you’ve been let down, and it taught you to hold space for others?

Lots of love,

Jesse xx

Parent Counselor and teacher - learn more here.

If you’re interested, I offer a  free, made for you mini-series full of rich independent play ideas.