3 Steps To Being A More Positive Parent

So many of us already are the kind of people who see the rainbows in the clouds. We sit in traffic and grumble for a sec, but then we turn on a good tune. We make cobblers out of half eaten toddler apples, at least sometimes. Ha.

The positive way we approach parenting matters too, and I bet this is already on your radar. It takes practice to reframe our language in a way that creates more ease and less tension. But it’s well worth it.

The thing is, we can get caught up in cycles that are reactive and shaming not only with our children, but with ourselves. This often comes from some of our fears and past experiences, or even resentments we’re harboring within. We don’t realize we are responding to our children (or ourselves) in this way, but it’s important for us to get clear on what’s happening.

In my own life, communicating in a positive way is something I have to actively practice. Even with the years of teaching teenagers, which was like boot camp for conscious communication, I still can get caught up in some Negative Nancy vibes.

Last week, I took both kids to the school’s Halloween party on a Friday night, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. You see, it had already been a busy week with a birthday party and ballet practice and a Board meeting, and I was quietly resenting that both kids begged for me to take them while my husband worked late.

Feeling stretched thin is often our calling cards to more negative chatter in our heads.

Soon thoughts like these pop in my head, “Why can’t I be the kind of parent that enjoys this stuff?” and “Why do my kids demand so much of me?” and then soon I’m bugged about little things that usually glide right past me.

The following Monday, when my daughter begged me to take her to a friend’s house after school, I stopped in my tracks, heart pounding and yelled, “as soon as you’re more grateful about where I’ve already taken you, I’ll consider it. You’ve become so bratty!”

Eeks. She began to cry, and I immediately regretted it all.

We are not bad moms when we get in a negative space. There is nothing about us that is bad in ANY WAY.

We are incredibly sparkly and special, and we are also human.

Can we give ourselves the acceptance and love we so often give out? Even when we mess up?

What could make a difference before these situations is acknowledging to our own hearts that life is feeling intense, and that we’re handling so much on our own. We can find ways to comfort ourselves, whether it’s journaling our feelings, saying “no” to the extras (and allowing those uncomfortable feelings too), or maybe we can do something special, just for us? What might that be for you?

In the meantime, we actively practice wording our communication in a way that not just focuses on the positive, but also sees the bigger picture.

It can start small, a simple - “please walk,” instead of “don’t run” and whispering “use a quiet voice” instead of “stop yelling!” can work wonders not only for cooperation but also for the connection between our children and us.

We can branch out, and replace our fear-based language (“Be careful! You’re going to hurt yourself!"), with more respectful guidance. To do this, we focus on our children being competent and creative problem solvers, and describe what we see, “those rocks are heavy, I’m glad you’re holding on tight.” Or even, “This ladder is really tall. Do you feel safe?”

Where else can we focus on the positive? We can make this fun. Sometimes I make a little game out of it, wondering how many times I can allow more sparkly language in the day.

Soon we’re communicating in a way that sees our children as these people who are innately good, but need some guidance and support.

For me last Monday, this might have been, “I know how you want to spend some time with a friend today. I’m feeling like this week we need to rest….yes, I hear you’re upset about that! I wonder if next week might work better, after we’ve had some down time.” Of course, you’ll find your own special ways of consciously communicating with your children.

If you’d like to dive deep with me on this, here are 3 steps to becoming a more positive parent. Even if you already consider yourself a positive person, we can always grow stronger with this practice.

1. Simply Notice

This week, simply notice when the negative chatter starts. Is it in our heads first? Is it reactive to situations? Does it come out of nowhere or is it a habitual way of responding? This is not about judging ourselves, or feeling guilt. Heck no! We are noticing and open to change.

2. Set A Small Goal

What goal can you set for more positivity? Does changing 1-2 conversations each day sound like a good start? Is there any area you can improve upon (clearly for me, it’s shifting language when I perceive my children as “bratty.”)

3. Celebrate your progress

Have you bought your journal yet? I often share in blogs and in my podcast what a big impact my humble journal has made in my life. I not only journal my fears, worries, and anger about things (it needs to come out somewhere!), but often notice myself writing down surprising solutions, and eventually get to a place of celebration of my progress faster than when I vent to 6 friends. If you don’t journal, simply reflect and celebrate your progress often.

Celebrate it all, even the small shifts. You deserve it.

With love and respect,

Jesse xoxox

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